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■ 논제
Do you agree or disagree with the following quotation? “A person should never make an important decision alone.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
(다음 인용문에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “사람은 혼자서 중대한 결정을 내려서는 안 된다.”)
■ 학생글
박소의·인천 인천여중 2학년
<1>Choices and decisions in life shouldn't be made carelessly. <2>Extremely important decisions can change <3>one's life<4>. Frivolous decisions, such as what to eat for lunch <5>isn't what I'm talking about. <6>Decisions such as marriage and job is stressful <7>and huge. <8>It doesn't matter how old; kindergarteners to grandparents should not make an important decisions alone.
<9>There is more knowledge and more experiences if two or more people make a decision. <10> <11>This is especially true for young adults. Consequently, it is less likely that they will make the wrong choice. For example, <12>I depend on my parents <13>when I buy expensive objects, such as clothing and accessories, with my own money. They have more know on how to spend money wisely. <14>My parents know what is worth and necessary. <15> <16>Furthermore, just in the slight chance that a wrong choice is made, he can depend on the other person for help. Since that person assisted and influenced his decision, he/she is partially responsible for the failure.
<17>Everyone has personal interests <18>and paths in life that they would like to take. However, these might not always be the best choices to make in life in order to succeed. <19>If someone makes an important decision alone, they can be foolhardy. It would be too influenced and biased. <20>For instance, a girl might love singing and playing the guitar. Although she doesn't have a huge possibility of becoming a huge star, she might choose to take that path without any advice from her friends or family.
In conclusion, people should never make an important decision alone. <21>Making the wrong decision should be avoided as much as possible and they should be made objectively. It would be too late to regret a decision made alone. It is better to depend on someone, especially <22>one that has had a lot of experienced, and get all the advice one can get.
■ 첨삭글
| # | Content | | 1 | 삭제 |
| 2 | 삭제→Some 삽입 | | 3 | 삭제→a person＇s 삽입 | | 4 | 삭제→; others 삽입 | | 5 | 삭제→are less 삽입 | | 6 | 삭제 | | 7 | 삭제 |
| 8 | 삭제→No matter what the outcome is, choices and decisions in life should only be made after careful consideration and never alone. 삽입 | | 9 | 삭제→For young people, 삽입 | | 10 | being able to enjoy the experience and knowledge of adults when they make decisions is helpful. 삽입 | | 11 | 삭제 | | 12 | 삭제 | | 13 | 삭제 | | 14 | 삭제→they 삽입 |
| 15 | Whenever, I have to purchase expensive items, I rely on my parent＇s a advice.삽입 | | 16 | 삭제*이 두 문장은 전체 문단의 주장과 일치하지 않습니다. (‘여러 사람의 생각이 더 좋은 결정이다’는 학생의 주장과 다르므로) 따라서 이 두 문장을 삭제하거나, 다시 새로운 주장을 제시하기 바랍니다. 예를 들어 “혼자서 스스로 결정을 내리지 않으면 자신의 실패에 대한 책임을 다했다고 할 수 없다”라는 새로운 주장을 제시할 수도 있습니다. | | 17 | 삭제→Defining future plans is made easier when you seek the advice of others. Sometimes a person can overlook or ignore determined paths that exits in favor of their 삽입 | | 18 | 삭제→. Sadly, 삽입 |
| 19 | 삭제→The most common example is that of an aspiring ＇artist＇ who is convinced by friends and/or family to seek other work. 삽입 | | 20 | 삭제 | | 21 | 삭제 | | 22 | 삭제→someone well 삽입 |
■ 총평
서론 핵심문장엔 전체 글 주제 드러나도록
Your essay begins weakly with a confusing and repetitive introduction. Your thesis statement does not manage to stand out as the main idea of your essay. This problem is repeated in the following paragraphs as you also fail to have clear topic sentences. My editing is aimed mostly at removing superfluous words and ideas, to isolate each argument, and then to support each as needed. Without editing, your essay only made me wonder what you were trying to say. Remember that when you write an essay, your purpose is to lead the reader to conclude that your opinion is valid based on the reasons you explained.
박소의 학생이 쓴 에세이의 서론은 내용이 불분명하며 같은 말을 반복하고 있습니다. 서론의 핵심 문장에는 전체 에세이의 주제가 드러나 있지 않습니다. 이 문제점은 다른 문단에서도 반복해서 나타납니다. 각 문단의 주제문을 분명히 보여 주지 못했기 때문입니다. 이번 첨삭은 필요 이상으로 여러 번 사용된 단어와 생각을 삭제하고, 주장을 문단별로 분명히 제시하며, 각 문단의 주장을 뒷받침할 수 있는 논거를 나열하는 데 초점을 맞췄습니다. 첨삭 전의 에세이는 주장하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 궁금하게 만들 뿐이었습니다. 에세이를 쓸 때는 독자들이 주장에 합당한 근거를 통해 본인의 주장에 공감할 수 있도록 하는 것이 글을 쓰는 목표라는 것을 기억하기 바랍니다.
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